Clinical narcissism and narcissistic personality (NPD) is defined as long-term characteristics and behaviours that include:
A lack of empathy
Extreme selfishness and self-focus
A pathological need for attention, admiration and validation
Being manipulative, controlling and/or exploitative
A strong tendency to be jealous and envious of others – and/or believe other people are jealous or envious of them
Arrogance and demonstrating a range of haughty attitudes and behaviours
Having a focus and preoccupation on power, status, wealth, beauty and looks, success, etc.
A strong sense of entitlement - expecting special and different treatment - eg. rules ‘don’t apply’ to them.
These traits also apply to a narcissistic parent. You may find this shows up in the following ways:
A narcissistic parent is harsh and critical. They lack empathy or compassion. They are not natural caregivers.
They are focused more on their own wants and needs. They do not recognise the independent needs of the child or children, or anybody else. They don’t recognise or consider the needs or wants of others.
They get their own way through a range of emotional manipulative techniques like stirring fear in others, guilt-tripping, self-pity, blame and shame, being aggressive, threatening or withdrawing communication, care or the threat of withdrawing contact or other things, like financial support or inheritance.
They talk about themselves a lot. If you are going through anything they turn it back to them somehow and revert back to how they are or, or what they’ve been through, or how they’ve had it worse, etc.
Are emotionally immature. They can’t tolerate other peoples emotions yet expect everyone to take on theirs.
They do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions. Instead they constantly blame or shame others.
They are perpetual victims.
They like to be in the middle of communication and contact within the family. This way they can control relationships you have with others in the family. They create conflict and mistrust amongst siblings and other family members.
They prefer family members to be in conflict or no contact rather than getting on and enjoying supportive, healthy relationships.
They like to be the centre of attention and to create problems or drama.
Covert narcissistic parents complain about issues or problems whilst at the same time not being open to any suggestions or solutions. They prefer to complain about issues in order to get the attention they need.
How to recognise and deal with a narcissistic parent
Children of narcissists often don’t grow up knowing or understanding this from a young age. Instead it's usually something we become aware of as we get older and often in adulthood.
There can be quite a process of coming to realise you are the child of a narcissist.
Arm yourself with information: At this point, it can be helpful to inform yourself with information about parental narcissism from a reliable, qualified source.
Recognise and understand that narcissism is a disorder: Understanding more about the nature of narcissism and the typical actions and behaviours of a narcissistic parent can be so helpful and support a powerful shift in understanding this and starting to be less affected by this.
Try not to ‘bite the bait’: Narcissistic people will instinctively know what buttons of yours to press or how to manipulate you. Recognising what these are for yourself can help you to be more prepared and to learn how to respond mindfully, not just to react.
Narcissists rarely change: Accepting that the actions of a narcissist are not your fault, not your responsibility and are also unlikely to change can ultimately be very freeing for you. However, working through this process can be challenging.
Set clear boundaries: Difficult relationships can be managed with setting holding firm and clear boundaries. Your boundaries are your responsibility. However, how somebody reacts to them is not. Yet having clear, healthy boundaries means that the actions of the other person matters less and less. With healthy boundaries you are clear about and focused on what you will do should somebody not respect them.
Self-care: Learn how to take good care of yourself and to self-care. This often has to be learnt in adulthood in the absence of having experienced this growing up or having this modelled in a healthy way. We have a responsibility to ourselves and our own wellbeing. Growing up with a narcissistic parent can really distort this sense as we may be used to the focus being on their needs and wants. In recovery it's really important to find a health balance and to let go of any guilt or negative messages we may have inherited or been told about that. Self-care is not selfish! It’s healthy.
Seek support: Seeking appropriate support from somebody who understands this unique kind of dynamic can be really helpful. Whether thats with a friend, support group or professional. Speaking with others who can relate to this can be a powerful part of healing.
You can find out more about parental narcissism and family narcissistic abuse in Dr. Davies 2nd book... Raised by Narcissists
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