The Narcissistic Female Friend: Spotting the Signs and Protecting Your Peace
- Sarah Davies
- Apr 11
- 5 min read
We often talk about narcissistic partners or parents, but narcissistic friends can be equally damaging to our emotional well-being.
Female friendships, in particular, can become complex battlegrounds when narcissism is involved.
We are often told, when it comes to narcissists, that as soon as you spot the signs you should pack your things and run for the hills ! However, with estimations of strong narcissistic traits being recognisable in 1 in 20 people, that’s going to prove quite difficult to do long-term. I’ve always advocated that it's much healthier in the long-run to learn how to manage boundaries around difficult relationships, rather than just avoiding all of them completely.
Of course, if you can cut contact with an abusive, narcissist then do it! Your wellbeing will only ever be improved for that. However, if or when it’s family, a boss or colleague, co-parent or a friend in a group, it’s not always an option and so learning how to spot this and deal with it can be helpful...
Also, this may be surprising, but not all narcissists will go out of their way to be abusive, vitriolic or extremely sabotaging. Often the female friend is selfish, self-serving and uncaring. This is hurtful and not supportive to nurturing, friendships or supportive to our wellbeing.
Friendships with a narcissist are one-way, and will surely negatively impact your self-esteem and self-worth, but otherwise it’s not necessarily always out and out abusive.
Signs of a Narcissistic Female Friend
The Spotlight Stealer
Redirects every conversation to herself
Interrupts your achievements with her "bigger" stories. (eg. You’ve just started coach to 5km and they’ve already run 10 marathons)
Must be the centre of attention at social gatherings
The Emotional Vampire
Only appears when she needs something
Drains your energy with constant drama
Talks a lot about their ‘problems’ but at the same time doesn’t take on board any suggestions or do anything proactive to change or address the issue. In other words, they need to have a problem.
Are nowhere to be seen when you need support or help
The Competitive "Bestie"
Subtly puts you down while appearing supportive. Some females have an uncanny flair for this!
Competes with your life milestones
Encourages to exercise or work on healthy-living focuses together, yet is more competitive than supportive
Makes passive-aggressive comments about your successes or choices
Might try to talk you out of going for something you want; eg. new partner, a promotion, buying that new handbag you've got your eye on
The Social Media Manager
Controls how your friendship is portrayed online
Posts about you or pictures of you, without your permission
Uses your friendship to boost her social status
Tries to exploit your friends or connections
Much like narcissistic partners, friends will also display some of the similar behaviours, like:
Friendship Love-Bombing
Intense, immediate closeness
Excessive gifts and attention
Claims you're her "soul sister" early on
Triangulation
Creates competition between friends
Plays friends against each other
Complains about one friend, attempting to pull you into carer, counsellor or fixer-type role
Uses phrases like "everyone thinks..." to manipulate
Guilt-Tripping
Makes you feel responsible for her happiness
Uses emotional blackmail
Reminds you of past favours constantly
Will again, remind you or share about what other people do for her
The impact of unhealthy, toxic friendships can really take a toll on your wellbeing… some warning signs to take note of include:
Notice how you feel after spending time together? Are you feeling positive and upbeat or down or fatigued? Drained and not feeling good about yourself?
You are left second-guessing or doubting yourself
You feel like you are walking on eggshells and can’t actually say what you might like to, to said friend
Decreased self-confidence
Anxious
Low self-esteem
Depression
Exercise to try:
One of the most telling things you can do to recognise if your friendship is a healthy one or not, is to sit down and share with your friend any real example of something that has happened between you and share how that has left you feeling. A healthy, supportive, compassionate friend will be able and willing to empathise with how you feel, acknowledge and affirm your experience and be open to apologising (if appropriate) or discussing how you can move forward. They will want to understand and work through any issue - if they value you and your friendship.
A narcissistic and emotionally immature friend however will be very defensive. They will deny your experience, deny their behaviour, gaslight you or try to shame or blame you. They will adopt a position of the issue you raised being all your fault and refuse to discuss things openly in a healthy or respectful way. The most narcissistic friend will punish you by giving you the silent treatment or cutting contact. They may bad mouth you to other friends, but with any luck, others will recognise this for the red flag that it is.
Moving forward:
Ways that you might manage difficult friendships in a group are all about managing boundaries:
Set time limit boundaries
Limit one on one time and try to meet in a group with others you feel more comfortable with
Message in a group chat rather than giving them access to you directly
This basically reduces and minimises opportunities for them to get in your ear about anything
Don’t drop everything and rush to support them whenever it suits them and assess for how even the support tends to be overall. Of course, sometimes it’s weighted one way, when somebody has something big going on. But if that support is never reciprocated it’s a sign of a narcissistic/selfish dynamic
Be mindful of what you share. If you feel like you’re not being heard or supported in the way you’d like, be discerning about who you share personal information with
Take a time out
Trust your sense: Toxic friendships, and relationships of any kind, can leave you doubting yourself and your own perception or judgement. But if you have a niggling sense of something not being quite right… know you can trust that.
Remember healthy relationships are:
Overall balanced and reciprocal
They are supportive and helpful to your sense of wellbeing
Both parties understand healthy boundaries and respect one another’s
Allow space for both parties to grow
A good friend will champion and celebrate your wins
They are supportive, not controlling or oppressive
They are consistent and reliable
Healthy relationships feel; safe, secure and supportive
Remember: You're not responsible for managing someone else's moods or narcissistic tendencies. Your peace and emotional well-being is your responsibility and in healthy relationships, comes first.
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